I sit here a bit sore from yesterdays P.F.Chang 1/2 Marathon and am all snuggled up in my event sweatshirt. Muscles I was not aware I had are sore and I have had stomach issues and a minor headache all day. The first two miles we ran and the third we walked. At mile 4 I lost Mandy and Peter at my jog because I was going at a faster speed. I bound happily along and on my way until 5 miles of that and then soon after I hit a wall. So, to say the least mile 10-13 totally stunk. My stomach cramped badly as well as a calf tensing, some behind the knee issue and my energy was dropping. I made it. I pushed through those last crappy three miles ran across the finish with a final time of 3:04:37, which sort of stunk but I stopped training at about 9 miles the first week of December. June 6th, there is another race in San Diego and I am going to begin training for that one starting tomorrow because I would like this one to be closer to a walk in the part.
Bounding happily along miles 4 through 8 I had plenty of time to think. I was sailing along realizing how much I enjoyed running although the walkers in the way were creating quit a game of frogger. How would you like to run like your drunk weaving in and out all about the lanes. That had to have added some seriously excess miles to the 13.1 that were clocked for the event but my slightly competitive nature made it all that much more enjoyable to pass people up! So, running is something I definitely enjoy doing. I was missing my friend but me and her are not the same and she and Peter are such a great match that I knew they would enjoy the race together best. That got me thinking how difficult it can be to find someone who you click with. The person who just is fun and easy to be with and will do life with you and alongside you is something not easily found but very desirable. H
Great, of course I am back to thinking about guys...blah...As I ran though I realized how much life I like to live and how difficult that would be to do without someone who was not like-minded. Yesterday would have been so much more fun to finish with someone...but finding someone at my speed or at least who will run side by side seems impossible. The race ended and I spent the rest of the day with the two of them. I love them together I really do and that is such a blessing. She gets along with him and his family and they just work so well. I am beginning to see the same blessing begin with Zack and Maria. Also such a great and easy match. I guess it should be easy. I am not easily pleased nor do guys easily win my attention or my affection.
It was those thoughts that I sat in when we were in church. I focused as well as I could on what Tom was preaching. It is so much easier if God would take those desires away but He does not. It is more difficult when I spend so much time with couples and find I have to do so alone. My mind so easily wandered and I knew as I still know I am capable of filling that void again with the next "pretend boyfriend" or male companion. That does not work. There is nothing platonic because the rope always bends one way or another or on occasion both. I sat there thinking of a guy I had met at camp who had managed to win my attention. He was sitting very near. I killed that thought...several times realizing I was just looking again for a filler. I was not and am still struggling to allow God to fill that place. No more stinkin fillers...I want the next one to be real.
Today I had coffee with my discipleship leader. She wanted to know where I was at as I had shared some stuff in group that I was hurt and frustrated by. No more coffees, no more one on one, I begged for prayer that all guys would just be out of my life because my heart can't handle anymore....Then today we chatted and I brought a name up. I thought nothing of it but she tuned in. The only reason I brought the name up was because somewhere around October I was completely confused and praying about two guys in my life plus two others had asked me to coffee. This particular one I had turned down. He had then asked me to go running with him and again I turned him down. I had spent a few moments with him at a friends house and he had been especially great and protective and sensitive to my heart when there was a very difficult "break-up" situation in June. Now, the reason her ears perked up was because she is very interested in the idea of this relationship.
"Why did you say no are you crazy?" Well, I thought no but I told her I was already dealing with an abundance of guy issues at that moment and one other would have really stressed me out. After some discussion about the issue we have come up with only one conclusion: I agreed to try and keep an open mind and pray about it. That is all I can really do because my heart is not open to any suggestions currently. He is a great guy who is involved in many parts of my life. He likes ministry or missions, he likes to run and was supposed to be running the full marathon yesterday, he is clear with his intentions and pursuit, he is a super sweet and gentle guy who is always willing to help me out or be there for me, and he loves Jesus, is friends with the only close adult male in my life, and has some direction. Oh, and did I mention he is starting in my lifegroup on Wednesday? I guess I don't know and I can't plan what God wants. I can't make guys work when they won't no matter how much I care about them nor can I wait on "ifs" to happen because I refuse to wait on something that may never be. So, now what?
Later this afternoon that had my wheels spinning and I know he is exciting. I love guys that are social and chatty, guys who like to be with me and who are willing to do things in life. There are things he has that I don't like as well but I won't go there now. All I can really do is keep my promise to pray about the situation even though I seem to be more attracted to the guy from camp who plopped beside me and had dinner with me one evening. I have an idea of what I want but not only does that never work I seem to be more wounded when it is finished. Where God do you want me and where does this end?
I am not ready to go down this road and I am not ready to give anyone my attention right now. No rebounds and no fillers. God, I need You and I need to learn it is You who satisfies. I can't say it enough and I can't handle a guy starting something he can't finish in my heart. I don't' know if I am ready to give this guy a chance or if I really should because now is when I feel like I need a male sabbatical. I cannot force Your plan God but help me to trust it going forward even when it is uncomfortable and I don't understand it in the least. I had more discussions that led me to a list of these things I like and these things I don't and I like this about him or that about him. God, please bring it together in one person and may it just fall into place in Your time. I can and will continue to run literally and figuratively but will You teach me when it is right. I want it to be easy...with him, with his family, with You. I am watching it fall into place for others but almost no longer believe You have anything that will just be easy and great and a blessing for me.
All I know at this point is I have to control my mind and let go and go forward. Running in the physical is what I will do but just to train for June. I am going to fill my life with good and God things but need Your strength not to fill it with guy ones. No fillers to take Your place. No fillers to take his. Just waiting patiently.
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