Forgetful

Today is just another day off for me. That means lots and lots going on because sitting still happens when I am sleeping. Distraction of course is not a new thing for me but when it needs to really stop and be controlled is when it distracts from God. I was moving about dealing with laundry and listening to the birds chirp and the rain dripping down my windows when I was distracted by my brain. It shifts gears quickly which tends to be both a blessing and a curse equally. The times I don't want it to shift is when I am processing something and get an ah ha moment. So, as I was dealing with one of these it began shifting and I jumped on here and spent some time chaning my blogger template.

Back to business it is. There is a lot to accomplish this year and so many things I wish were different. Well, I am working on changing them but it is always such a gradual process. Marathons seem to be the theme for this year for me and hopefully one very good and lasting distraction. I am contemplating at this very moment setting up a nice little prayer corner in my room though I have yet to discover how this is possible...it will be a work in process. I would also like to not be stressed because when I am I eat more and then feel sick and then have to work out more to try and fix the problem and then it become a cycle. What I reall need in that moment is to pray.

Forgetfullness. I forget to pray and make all kinds of very quick decisions. Some of these are great and some not so great but I continue to bump about through life figuring it out as I go. The most crucial thing is that each of these situations, my sins, my failures, my insecurities, my frustrations even the amazing and joyful things are all for one reason. When I forget God I lean to myself and things go array. I was remember the voice of a newer friend who told me that sin in someones life can ruin a blessing. I have not take too much time to dwell on the doctrinal truths or failures of that statement but mixed with the female brain rolls back into view and ties itself to many other thoughts up there.

I wonder on a side note if thoughts ever leave or if they are continually recycled in my brain. Maybe they die down for a bit and something reminds me and brings them back into view for awhile again. I want to find a trash bin not so much a reycling one : )

Back to the point...it was through her telling me that about a week ago and some other jumblings in my head that allowed me to see how I totally take things into my control. I make things comfortable for myself and then I can deal with them...that is my form of control. There are few things I can't deal with and the ones that are seem to be very funny and a little out of the ordinary. I was thinking about a situation I did not let happen. I led it or helped it along exactly how I thought it should go. Well, it blew up in my face. This is not the first time that has happened in life and proably not the last.

I am learning a little through some close friendships about lead and follow just like I have to learn in dance. The movements when two partners are in sink feels right and totally beautiful. I have noticed this before many, many years ago and how much this relates to relationships as well as my walk with Christ. I tend to be a planner though somehow I think I am not at all a planner. Odd right? I guess it is because I have a general idea and way about things but also can make changes very, very quickly. Oh, and I don't exactly keep to a schedule or a rigid timeframe but that is more because I am a very difficult rule follower. So, I make my plans.

Well, so when life is moving nicely along I feel I can step in and shift things one way or another. Usually, it works out well for me but there is one very specific area it does not. It all goes back to lead and following. I really have to learn to follow when it is oh so easy for me to go after what I want in life. It is actually a bit embarassing that there are so few guys as strong as I am in life. It also stinks when I can lead things but it is certainly not my role.

Now, that leaves me blushing a bit and sad at the same time. I can't change life all I can do is move forward continually learning. Also, it is time for me to begin dancing a lot more. I learn continually how to trust and how to follow and that is exactly what I have to do with God. I can't shift anything any direction though I sometimes feel I have the control to do so. I need to just follow and wait and love God. It is an interesting thing to do especially when I am very stubborn and He is going to be teaching me this lesson probably in ways I highly dislike. He has to have it...all of it. All of me, every part. And....well...that is for another blog!