Relaxing.

Tonight is not much different for me then any other blogging evening. I usually do this at night because it wraps up my thinking. There is always so much to learn that keeping either this or a journal not only give me some peace of mind but are also track able ways to see life's journey. I am on it for the ride wherever God takes me but as always unsure of what that looks like. I guess that is just part of what is exciting about life...and I tend to like good surprises. So, trusting I go and believing is even more difficult but that is where God gets to be God.

Something is up with my stomach the last week or two though I am unsure of the issue. I usually know what the deal is because this issue is always caused by some type of anxiety though this time I am completely unaware of it's cause. It was interesting but it is getting worse and every time I eat anything it hurts and I feel pretty sick. Odd. Unclear. What the heck? And...tonight I was seeing spots...ha ha but I think it is because I got up to fast. Weird. Especially because there is nothing going on that should cause this situation that I am aware of.

Tomorrow I leave for North Carolina for five days in the beautiful snow covered woods. I love this and it will be a pretty relaxing week ahead. Hopefully I can get a grip on what is going on inside of me in more ways then one. I really need to learn to chill out a bit more but the more I am the faster I go. I am thankful some things fell out of my schedule because it was getting full again. I was beginning to have all my nights of the week booked and thankfully one thing fell through and the other I decided not to pursue. I am using my nights for focusing and running (hopefully). I want and promised to try and not take on so much this semester (as if I was I was in school and still on a semester schedule)...?

I was thinking about God today. Something that is nothing out of the ordinary but I can't believe how difficult it is to act and not just ponder about Him. I am so excited for a few days away because I need the focus so bad. I make time in my life for everything, EVERYTHING else but still fail to make time for God. This is far too easily accomplished. There is much learning to do and things my heart is still aching over yet I still fail to really get it. I know all I need to do is make Him my center and now that is all I want to focus on. Nothing else right now is allowed because I HAVE to make Him my center. Everything else will line up as it should then, and only then.

Easier said. Father, I need Your help. I need to act on my desire for You like I would in my desire for someone or something else. It is so easy for me to chase the world Father. It is all just a cheap filler. My heart aches for You. I cannot possibly know what life really is if I forget You have to be a part of it all. You cannot be the side note. The forgotten. That passing thought. I want You in my core because it is then everything else will fade. I know it is not a fast process and right now Your refinement sucks. I guess it always does though...It hurts and my stubbornness does not help. I know what I need to do I just need You to help me do it. Father, may I bless You in every way possible. May my thoughts honor You. When I think about someone I want may I just pray for them. When I pursue something else and give something else a higher value then You will You help me to see it and repent of it and find that balance?

While talking with someone today I was telling her about a story. I have many, many stories to tell and now I see how they bring You glory. I do not know at the beginning but somehow by the end I see it. I spent some time watching and observing this weekend. Now, I can thank You in so many ways for taking me out of a situation that would have been terrible but I thought I wanted so badly. How can I fail to trust You when I see these things. So, we chatted over the last of my coffee and she caught up on life. She wondered how I was doing with a guy who is still in my life and dating a very close friend. "Very, very well." I am surprised but I mean that with everything in me. I feel like the quote from Little Women where Teddy says "I envy their happiness." I am delighted for them. I just wish I had a situation that was that easy to step into. I guess if it is right it should be easy, or at least that is what they say. They also say some things you have to fight for...but what if I am not the one who is supposed to fight? What if all I will do now is walk?

Upon further review there was this relationship I had wanted for a very long time. It is funny but sometimes it takes feeling or finding something better to let something else go. It does not matter at this point how I let that one go but I am beyond grateful that I did so. I now watch this new relationship and how sweet and gentle and protective he is with her. It is beautiful watching two people fall for each other. Yet, at the same time there are things about him as a boyfriend that drive me crazily up a wall. Thank You Father for not getting me even one foot entangled in that situation. Had anything every happened it would have lasted about ten minutes.

We continued and I told her exactly what I had learned. I continued on to chat about other relationships. Some I could start but am not interested in even remotly. Others, that died before they were even given a chance. Some that make me sad because I like the dynamics of them. I can't go into more detail because sometimes I feel like I already say too much and being vulnerable sucks...but man the things I am learning. After this day trip to Sedona I think I appreciate some people more. It will also take a lot to get my attention right now. I really do continue to learn from every relationship friend or other that I am in.

The last non-relationship was a much trickier one I had to walk away from. I not only do not understand it but go through mixed emotions over it. When it is a friend you have known forever it makes things much more difficult to figure out. Also, how do you not mix feeling with fact and also a long history...? I really don't like this situation at all and I think it is my least favorite because I will be loosing a friend out of it. I feel like we headed down a road that I started on because of he went there first. I usually don't do that and it takes a lot to get my attention. However, hanging out as friends was fun and I got to get a good glimpse of who he was. Then, it went a little to fast but more because of my over comfortableness with him...and his intense emotions. I guess I was interested at that point in figuring it out because he was very different then my perception even though I have known him half my life. I can't change anything and now though there is a lot about it I would do it different.

On one side I don't regret starting to like him because it was different and fun but I was still trying to figure him out and it was confusing him and then me even more. I don't get it. Then, people outside of it would ask questions and make it even more intense. He did not know and then I did not know what to do because if he did not know how was I supposed to know his intentions and it just was a viscous circle. And...I always need clarity which did not help and he does not deal with any pressure or decisions well. So, it blows up and now what? I really don't know what to do here but I am not going to do anything right now. He can't be just my friend but he does not want to be anything more. I don't want to let my emotions get screwed up because I am following his lead. And...I want someone who is a least sure they want to try something even if we end up agreeing to be friends in the end. I am not a toy or a filler for God's spot in any ones life. I don't want to fill my life with anyone for that purpose either. I don't get to understand that friendship or relationship but somehow it is still on my mind daily. And...I still have mixed feelings and emotions but I have to trust that God has it, He has to fix it if and how it is supposed to be fixed. I am tired of trying to make it work either as friends or considering it as something more. Yet somehow God...You don't allow me to walk away completely. I guess God I don't understand Your purpose in that. I can walk away and I can run away but for some reason even though I don't like the situation it is still on my mind. I really don't want to care and I hate that. But I know You are just using it right now as a lesson and one I don't want to learn.

It is through all these situations and many others that I am seeing life a little differently. I know God forces growth. I know it hurts. I wish I was not so stubborn. I wish I could learn things other ways then having to walk away from someone I did not start off really liking or really knowing. I am thankful now for the other guy who is still in my life but in a different role. I see how terrible that would have been and God now all I can do is try and train my mind an my feelings. I love the repeating of what Tom says, "What you know trumps what you feel." And man does that take repeated practice. Feelings so lead me down certain roads and can cause me to sin more often then not in many ways.

God, I am so, so sorry. Forgive me for not wanting You enough. Forget me for spending my mind on coffee and guys and plans and how "perfect" I think I have to be and all the other terribly worthless distractions. All they do and all I do when I think about things or try and figure out life is take away from asking You. I think all the time but I don't pray all the time. How can I expect to know Your plan or what to do when I fail so often to ask You? I love You so much. I can look down my life and see that You protect me even when I don't know I need it. Your so beautiful and You make life such a wonderful and joyful thing and place to be. What would I do without laughter? Without song? I cannot thank You enough. I know I am stubborn and You need to push me. I know it's Your goodness that changes me and these next months may I still find You in my quiet place. May I find You in my mind and Your thoughts upon my tongue and Your words in my heart. I need You more then I understand I need You. I don't want songs to be it. I don't want to give up on You even when I don't see Your purpose or plan. I don't understand. I can be alone because there I find You. May I seek You then for the empty places. No replacements. No fillers. No anger or mistrust. I don't need to be perfect because I can't be. I can't make anything go against what You want even when I want it so bad. I want to want You like that. I want to desire You in the morning and night. To ache and long for Your touch and feel Your there. I don't understand but that is trusting and You prove over and over again Your the only one I can trust. I pray God that You would use this week. Use me this week in the lives of everyone I meet. Use me in the lives of my family and the people I come in contact with. May I not be anxiously hurrying through the day and life but may I find my joy in doing it all for You. I can be busy if I find You in it all and do it for You. Please heal this building and unexplained anxiety. It is hours before bedtime and may I know You on my pillow tonight. May I just be Yours and Yours alone. May I breathe in Your fragrance and Your presence and may I know You.