Words

Words harm or words build up. It appears there is a power in words unmatched though your still required actions to build them up. What then when your actions don't match your words? Utter confusion perhaps. Tonight I sit in a very splendid old house built in the 1800's. In Winterville is where I lay the scene surrounded by three cats and chinchillas (OK, so the chinchillas are actually in the cage around the corner thought I can hear them bouncing about). There is so much power in words.

After the hottest bath I could pull from the faucet I am bundled up because I am freezing as usual. In North Carolina the average house temperature seems to be about 68 degress and I have thin Arizona blood. Tonight, I am staying at my aunts house and have had such a blessed trip so far. Father, I cannot be thankful enough for this time to just relax. All the things I would get caught up in at home are not there. I do have to admit though had I not brought some books, an Ipod, my Bible, running shoes and finally took an outing from my sisters house in the woods I may not be doing so well right now. I need to keep my mind or body occupied and then I survive.

Tonights venture was almost dangerous on the side of my family. There are just times people hurt each other and I refuse to get caught up in the drama. I will be honest and genuine and still love both sides. So, tonight and tomorrow is with my Aunt Bonnie. This evening after dinner and the long drive we went out for coffee and a show. It was great hanging out in the college district and drinking a pumkin chai with whipped cream. (It really is the little things in life that I get emense enjoyment from) The band that played was a mix of bluegrass and I was left to thinking about guitar guys.

I forgot about this again until the quite of the bath and when the water stopped bubbling forth from the faucet I was reminded of something a very dear friend told me once. "Heather," Mike said, "You have got to stop verbalizing what your guy standards are unless they are real and don't ever say your not going to date." I laughed many a times at those blantant statements with him but tonight was thinking about how much he may have a point. I know exacly why he said it, because right before he asked his wife out on their first date she had proclaimed the non-dating statement before a group of their friends. I also have been given plenty of smack for stating guys like they are a grocery list. I remember one time telling a missionary wife I knew that I wanted a guy with black hair, blue eyes, and Irish accent, had to play guitar, love God, dance, and.... You get the point. She laughed and told me how ridiculous I was. I agreed to some extent but figured God is making me wait so I may as well know what I want. Have any guys I have ever liked fit that list....? Not one and I still liked them anyways.

I think I say a lot of things I don't necessarily mean because I am protecting myself. I often make a list of things and some of them are legite but only the ones that really matter. I am also learning that somehow guys think the standards for myself are standards they have to meet or live up to. Also a misinformed conclusion. All in all it really does not matter but I must be more careful with my own words. I mean what I say but sometimes I just say what I feel and "what you know should trump what you feel," though that is not often the case.

I also cannot let how I feel dictate how I see or respond to God. I love You Father with all of me. Somehow there can be a disconect between my heart and my head. It is so easy for me to think about God. To love God or talk about God because those are my strengths. To act on those things are something entirely different. I may want it...and want it so bad. That does not mean I am drawn directly to my knees or to the Word. That is where I lack and that is something I am working on. There is so much there that is lacking and now is exaclty when the time is right for me to just seek that.

I am finding out how great being single is or maybe not great this second but necessary. I don't know God's time but I see why and how He protected me in many, many circumstances in my life. There is no greater sense of love or protection then that which Christ offers. I need to not be so jumpy to fill it with something other then His best. I know that, I really do believe it thought being me and a girl can be dramatic about it. I also will not lower my standards and they are not crazy high (the real ones anyways) but I will and do not love easily nor do I intend to. I will still mantain and be extra cautios with guys. I may however gaurd my words and actions better. I know when it is right it will be clear and I will have to know by the guys response to me and to God. God will also have to allow me to see it because otherwise I will not trust it.

Right now, there is much to learn and I am far from where I need to be. I need to learn to love more. That begins with friends and family. I need to learn to be a servant. To live for You. To be more humble and gentle even when I tend to be stubborn and protective. There are so many soft edges and a wall I tend to keep up most often. Few people do I trust to really let the wall down with and when they give me reason to put it back up...I usually do. Now, my prayer most of all is that I just continue to chase and know You...To seek You. To love You. Your so wonderful! May I never love another more. May I never say things to others to hurt or injure. May I not be quick with a temper but display Your loving kindess even when I am hurt. I need the discipline Father. It is just like running. I so don't feel like it right now. In fact, it seems to be getting more and more difficult as I am in no way a natural runner. It always seems to take work. It takes more work then not is what I should say but sometimes you allow it to be fun and easy. Just like life. Just like relationships. But, when something is worth it I will stick with it I just need Your hand in showing me what in my life that is. And I pray through jobs, running, relationships, trials, and all the inbetweens that I continue to be focused on You, learn to love radically, be disciplined and be patient because Your going to force me to....:)