Today

Anxiety creeps into my head and heart as of late and I have yet to discover it's origin. I first thought it was a relationship that was a possibility but that was an incorrect assumption. I next thought it was a relationship that was never going to be but that was not the origin either. Business I doubt as the cause because I am never not busy. I think it is a combination of things that is causing it to well up so strong within me.

As I continue to seek daily falling in love with Jesus I see so many things. There is so much darkness and temptation in this world yet God continues to love us. I was listening to a song today that reminded me of prayer and how much I need to draw to that. It is something that I will always be working on and the line of the song continues to remind me of the why behind it. The line is from a Casting Crowns song and it says;
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray
If My people called by My name
If they'll humble themselves and pray

It does take humility to pray and I feel like that is so often why I don't. I got this right? Always wrong... Or I just know He has it. I trust that yet it takes humility to ask. He wants that! The attitude that proves my humility and my recognition that I need Him with everything that is inside of me.

I have been learning a plethora of stuff lately and know more then ever how I can't get through one moment without knowing He is there.

Ministry continues to be my heart and it has been for so long. I keep pursuing things that try to take me and steal me from that. I can't do it. The building anxiety in my heart is a deep warning because I am trying to do it again. I keep trying to do business and school and every single time it turns out wrong. It takes me away and steals from me the one thing that gives me so much joy. I don't understand what I am supposed to do with it but I am trying to figure it all out.

I was talking with a friend the other night and she asked about guy stuff. I remember telling her how nice it is to be in a calm place with that issue. I am not entirely sure what God has there but I have in my sanity made up my mind on a few things. I know how much I love God and how much I love to share and do ministry. Just about every guy that has crept into my heart has robbed that part of my life from me. So, if the only thing I learn is this I know and have said for years that if a guy wants in my life we need to be running the same direction. I will not give up ministry or sharing opportunities for him because there is not a him that I want more. I can judge if a relationship is healthy for me based off that barometer to some extent. If my ministry and passion for the gospel is slowly fading then he is not right. I want someone that ignites that and who I do the same for. That is my biggest fear right now. Getting in a relationship that will hinder my ministry.

God has blessed some amazing opportunities with very specific women in my life. I wish I could pour out all the details here. He has also continued to bless me with a very special mentor and friends. For these I am so grateful. One of these is a guy friend who I see as nothing outside of a brother. He has been so detrimental the last few weeks as he is so good at hearing what I say. He has been very helpful in helping me in moments to try and drown out my heart to listen sometimes to what my head says. This is one of the most difficult things in the world for me as my heart has a much stronger pull on everything in my world. Sometimes...it should not and he has been so great at telling me especially with guys to listen to my head because my heart will follow. That is key at least for now.

Now, I am off to spend some much needed time with God. It is so easy to fall and I try to be on guard but still fall. I hate that. But God is gracious and He allows me to fall because then I also get to choose in moments to lean on His strength and to choose Him. I know He is the best thing...at all times. May I cling tightly to that and may I always delight in Him.

Simplicity

Tuesday morning and the first day off in a week. I see so much beauty in the world around me. Sometimes it is breathtaking and in the simplest moments I find You. The Creator displays glimpses in the absolute simplicity of life. The world we live in is so full if we will only see it. I cannot help but hold my breath and be overwhelmed by it when I take it in.

I love simplicity. I find joy in beauty in things like coffee or this mornings dirty chai. The sun that shines and moves about the Earth is a constant mood change. Laying in the grass I feel brief burst of wind and in the distance I hear birds that sing to each other. The warmth of the day crawls and hugs my skin as the dampness of the earth soaks into my clothes. If you look one way you see a tree that holds life and whos strength continues to stand as it grows upward towards the heavens. A song comes on in the distance that gives me tingles as the hands slide carefully across the guitar strings. I have goosebumps and my heart stirrs.

I am thinking about days in Seattle one of the worlds perfect places. Latte art and cool weather, the flowers in the market place and fresh fish though I don't care for the taste myself. The way I feel loved or do not rushes into my mind. Sitting in pajamas, messy and curley hair curving about my face and a movie in the background.

Not many people find joy in life or the simplicity of it. Joy for me comes in moments and memories and little things. I like calm and quiet moments. Moments of passion and longing and just enjoyment of the things and people I love. I like to share life. Some of these are guy moments too that I can't help but remember and linger through. Though I have never called one my own I get closer to see what I love about them. I love the simple.

Laying about and chatting. Watching the moon or just being. I love reading into each and every thing and finding meaning that is deeper. The way they affect my heart becomes a physical depth. Feeling lost in someones presence. The scent and warmth of their body though I will not partake. I like the way they have looked at me. I miss more then anything the laughter and childlike playful moments. The one who will do life with me and the one who I can be at rest with. I miss the easiness of the moments but will wait until it is right. I will wait for the one who I will mean something for. I want to be beautiful with someone.

It is not an outward thing though I do love the physical attraction of knowing a man is stronger. There is something so overwhelming and so beautiful about the guys physical presence. Knowing he could overpower you but that he holds you gently. Feeling so treasured and that he does find captivation in you.

Memories. They are precious. They are steps and learning and heartache and feeling stirrers. I would not change it though sometimes I long for that. I will continue forward for Your glory. I see the things Paul gives up in the bible for You. I am not that type as I am made for a partership. I love the emotions and am drawn more to David. I am passionatly drawn to the way he feels. I feel. I know You and thank You for every detail. May I continue to fall into You and become more and more me. Beautiful Lord...Your everything.

More

A bubble bath filled to the brim and a bottle of water off to the side. My eyes are tired yet I want so badly to speak. It is nearing bed for me since in weakness I finally crumble to the floor and settle down before bed. I look forward to the comfort I feel there or at least the attempted feeling. Everywhere I am I look to safety and comfort or a place to just rest.

Rest is a more then physical and begins for me in the mind. I have begun to understand, to be weak, to breakdown but in a beautiful way. I do lay in bed and long to feel the presence of someone near. That tends to be just how I am and so I create the illusion every night by sleeping against a border of pillows and a heavy blanket. It is only an illusion but it feels safer. I cling there, to the safety. So, now before I crawl up the stairs to say goodnight and hit the off day switch, I am contemplating God.

I had such a wonderful time this week having opportunities and discussion where I was able to share. There are few things that stir my heart more or in the same way and I get completely caught up in Him. I was sitting amidst the bubbles this evening and pondering life. I have had such an opportunity to grow this year and things have been ripped from my life in a crushing way. As the layers peel back I begin to see things just as they should be. My heart, my mind, my life is affected and I pray in a way that cannot be taken back.

As things get ripped and torn the bleeding begins and sometimes that is the first time you begin to see. There are some things I finally get and I pray that my life would be a perfect reflection of what You are. As the stress and pain of the day faded slowly away my mind was reminded to pray. Life, is exactly where You want it and where you have it. The clay is not to tell the potter what he is doing wrong (as sometimes I have the audacity to think this way). We can be thankful for what He is doing because it is right.

Single I may remain and though the world focuses on that I know it is more then O.K. More then anything are You and nothing should ever be a replacement for You because it will simply crumble under the stress of that weight. You really are what matters and what everything else centers around. Drawn in and closer I desire Your presence more then anything. May nothing come between because it does not matter. When I am weak, forgive my uncaptivated passion.

Tonight has been a compilation of a composers work coming to a beautiful climax. In life we think those moments and milestones are all based on us but what if they are entirely based on Him. How much I have fallen and may I continue because it is the place I find You that satisfies. It is of course like a song I have found and it came at a perfect turning point in my life. The moment when it hit me that I fill up with so many other things. No wonder my heart was always searching and always longing. I saw if only for a brief second how little it all mattered. And...I am more then O.K. with that. I know what falling in love feels like.

When your in love you pursue, you contemplate, you breathe someone in and cannot wait to be near them. You read every word they write, replay every memory, think on them all the time as the consumption takes over. Your heart stirrs and passions meet head and body. There is aching and longing and desire that is only heated up by sensing that person near. There are the ways you memorize and study them. You want to love them and you want to please them. To know them inside in out and to touch and talk with them. When your in love... And...loving God is the same. He should be the most important and passionate love in our lives. I get it.

So, if I am single or not, as life goes on through trouble and heartache, through every up and down...it is all for one and about the love of One. And He...is perfect and can take it. He wants us more then anyone could every desire us. And...His love is perfect. He can and will talk all of us..

I love when I find a song that is right where I am at....and I could not say it better.

"More Like Falling"
Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It’s like I’m falling, oh
It’s like I’m falling in love

Give me words
I’ll misuse them
Obligations
I’ll misplace them
‘Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It’s gotta be

CHORUS

…It’s like I’m falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me

Feelings

It is a wonder I post anything with this title as it is always a touchy subject. I do much better with my thoughts then feelings and don't know how to respond to the things. I know songs that re-create feelings or word they say that cause me to feel. I have for so many years refused to feel and in doing so have blocked a chunk of life and people out. It turns out I am actually prone to feel a lot when I allow myself to do so yet I am still unclear how to respond.

I am an extrovert incase you were unaware. I am also very introspective. Somehow I have not one problem extracting what I think and verbalizing it to anyone. How I feel...an entirely different issue. I often let guys know what I think. That...is simple I guess. I mostly try not to feel anything with them. Then, I can keep it all uncomplicated and easy. It turns out my heart crushes way too easily and too deeply. Sometimes it overflows into words that make little sense as the wave of emotion directs them. I can hate someone. That is a feeling for sure. I can love someone. That is reserved mostly for family though sometimes I guy gets into my heart and head. That...is when I am in trouble because once the wall is gone I am not sure how to get them back out.

I do not really let guys in. Every once in awhile my gaurd will be down and then I do start to feel. This almost never happens as it is so much easier for me to act cold. I don't know how to deal when someone gets in...or if they then decide to get out. I reserve my speach for the occational outbursts which are usually caused from fear or hurt or misunderstanding. And somehow in all this mess my heart gets stirred. I don't know the how or why but when I can connect with a feeler who is also a thinker I get more wrapped up.

I was interested in the affect this has on me and looked back into the past of men. There have been roughly 2 that I can remember that somehow I connect with in this manner. It has a much stronger pull on me and is much more difficult for me to know what to do with. I hate it and like it equally. Hate the connection that I love because it is something I fear I will not have. Hate letting those go...it is like a continually punch to my heart.

I have no choice. It is not up to me. It either is part of God's story or it is not. He does not tell me though I really need to ask more. I am afraid of it. I like acting cold toward men. Very few are really allowed into my world. It hurts too much and too bad. So, as for now I give up on it all and fill my world with my Maker. He is the one who should be the focus. How could I ever think someone else can fill that? Yet, there is still that longing...sometimes it is an ache no matter how much God fills.

I pray for the desire to leave. I hate it. It never works out. I hate that more. It makes me colder and colder. Yet, in that I am learning how to fall in love with God. It is intentional. It is not that much different then when I am consumed with a person. When you love something you pursue it. The attention and affections, the things that light that person up and make them tick. There is so much excitement in getting to know someone...all the little things about them that make them....well...them.

As a woman there is so much more to that. You want a guy who cares. A guy who is captivated by you but even more one that lets you know. There is so much....being told or treated like we are too much and not enough at the same time. I should not have to appologize for being female. There should be men who long to take the time, to try and understand and learn us. I am reading through a book that seems to be very accurate in some of the feelings and ways we feel and are treated. I feel like guys are just too lazy. And...what woman wants that? A guy who does not want you enough to care, to be with you, to work for you. Whatever....

And in all this I actually am in a really good spot in life. I sometimes just want to get things out. There are multiple projects and changes and decisions I make month by month. God, is so awesome and has been showing me how He is blessing me. He gives me open doors and opportunities and I have to continue to give all these things to Him. My hope should never be in a man...though I can't help but want to be with one. God keeps showing me so now I just hope I can't be patient and not angry with Him for allowing me to feel when I don't want to.

And...the next blog is going to be totally unrelated to men as I have 10 other things in my mind right now.

Temptation

I am slightly embarrassed and thankful at the same time I actually did not post a couple times but saved the notes to a draft. I was unaware until this evening I had not succeeded in making my blog unavailable for public view. I wish I did not wear my heart on my sleeve but have not a clue how to avoid this issue and my reality is that which I feel. I am sitting here with a continued disconnect between my head and my heart. I am lost in situations that make no sense. I want to understand but I can't understand alone.

This week has been interesting to say the least. I wonder what I am supposed to do when there are temptations lurking around every corner. Where Father is Your strength and though nothing makes sense I have to fall onto Your Word and trust it completely. Temptations are so easy to take and if I rely on my strength I will fall. I have given up and so I want to dive in head first now. I do not trust myself because this seems just too easy and too perfect. I know not Your plan and I don't to. This is where I have to continually preach the gospel to myself.

I miss the days my blogs were not about men. I miss when my longing and curiosity were about life in general. I still live in the wonderment of You and the things in this world. I need Your wisdom. Where are the boundaries. I am tired of feeling. I can't hold on. Sometimes I can't breathe. Life in itself seems so great. If only feelings would subside. Sometimes they are too intense for me to handle or to know what to do. And...I don't get to choose. I get to either be obedient to You and wait for the right guy. Or, go down a road You tell me not to with an unbeliever. God, I need Your strength.

Interesting enough we are going through Job in my lifegroup. We see how Satan is allowed to tempt Job. I also know this is an area of weakness for me. Christian guys never pan out, never really pursue or I don't like them. Does it always have to be one of those Father? I am tired of my heart getting continually pushed. James 1:12-15 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.


Jam 1:13 Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.


Father, I know this. Satan hits us where it is easy to fall. I remember something Mandy told me. If a guy is ready to marry he should because it protects the girl from others guys lurking...she did not use that word but had the same idea. And now, I sit in tears because I know he is the allusion of what I want. Maybe you will save him. I don't know but I can't go down that road and Father I need Your help because it is only too easy.

And...there are no believers who like me. If they do, I don't know anything about it because they do nothing about it. How is it that becomes my constant battle? It is tiring. Christian guys seem worth it. You tell me they are. Why Father do they do absolutely nothing but hurt my heart. Tonight is so, so difficult. And, no matter how much I like them they do not care. They disregard how I feel in order to pursue girls who do not like them. That makes no sense to me. And this guy...is really pursuing and it seems so perfect. Help me Father to see it for what it is. Because...I am starting to want it.

And please make sense of it all to me. Why Father is it only unbelievers who can and will tell me how much they like me. He flirts so openly with me. I have known him 6 days and day 2 he made it clear he was interested. He has things in common with me and is fun to be around. He makes it clear he wants to be with me. He contacts me almost daily. He makes no secret that he wants me. He is so sweet and gentle with me and fun and flirty...And yet...he neither knows You or loves You. Long term that can only end in sin or a bad marriage. May I know what step to take and how to go about it. I need Your wisdom. I need You so much. I need more then anything Your protection because I am so, so weak. Females are just that way. And there is something that continues to draw me to men...You have not made me to long to be alone and yet that is where this has to go. Unless, You take his heart and radically save him. However, that is not the fact of the current situation.

"....my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness..." Father....I am weakness.

Fellowship

Today's night has arrived and it is nearing the day that follows. I sit here remembering how much I love to write. I love words. I love song lyrics more then most things. Keep your poetry if I can trade it for the lyrics in songs. The way songs make me feel. It is an understanding and a way that they make me feel or describe it. Sometimes I don't feel exactly what they say but I feel through them or maybe I just get them. So, unrelated to my topic of the evening I listen to the song "Sympathy", by the Goo Goo Dolls and it sets my mood for this evenings journey through my brain.

The strawberry sitting next to me is beautiful ripened and sweet to the taste. Unfortunately some of it's enjoyment is lost by the fact I had some work done on a molar located in the back of my right jaw. As I sit and chew slowly I am suddenly aware at the coldness which sends a sharp and shooting pain through my tooth to the gum registering in my head and I shift the strawberry immediately away to the other side. I wonder if the sensitivity which has suddenly formed in my mouth will eventually subside or if I am to deal with this unexpected change for years to come. I wind down and pull another strawberry from the bag sitting here crossed legged with a pillow against my chest and a churning on my mind. I begin to think about sensitivity.

I wonder how callused I have become and if I think about my sensitivity the same way. How sensitive am I to the Spirit in my life? I know that I can overlook it and push it behind and loose it quit easily. Then, I wonder why I fail to see things. There is so much ugliness in the world about us that becomes the norm. Yet, we want the sensitivity to leave. I was thinking about that in the car ride today. I am training in Tempe this week and have quickly made a few new friends. I drove everyone to lunch today and realized how many missed opportunities I have had. There have been so many lately and I have not been sensitive at all. I see them missed and do not change them. When and where did I become so complacent in my life. I used to be the first one to share...to share about You and love You enough. There is an ache and loss of joy there that I have ceased to to what I am made and called to do. Where did I become so unspoken about my faith? I used to boldly proclaim You everywhere without fear. When did I loose that?

I realized it started with a slow disregard and ignoring of Your Spirit. It begins simply when there is pain felt and I slowly stopped noticing it. Just like that tooth that I am so aware of for the moment if I do not think consciously about it I may soon forget. Easily done unless I have a constant reminder and some pain every time I chew a frosty item there. So, when did I loose this? I think it began with a following of feeling vs. knowledge which often gets me in trouble. I love the song "Slow Fade," which says so much of how things slip in or out.

Meanwhile it was just this weekend looking at the loss of sharing and opportunities I will never get back plus my growing attitude toward church. Especially the last few weeks but I have had a sudden disregard for going to church on Sunday. I am craving more and more the word or the pursuit of God but less a desire for the service. I could not figure this out nor my disregard of care if I missed it or not.

I pondered over many aspects of this situation in my head and came to a few realizations. Church itself is commanded and so right to do. Church itself though should be a gathering for fellowship and for teaching not just going. I am unable to "do" church. I don't like rules and follow them terribly. So, the last few months the people that were really important to me have shifted in their lives. I have not made the important shift myself. Church to me has become empty. I have a difficult time now listening. I am in a room with hundreds of people I know and I feel alone. I hear perfectly practiced worship songs and fail to want to praise. It has become a show and a practice and lacks for me the relationship side. I am in need of something different.

Not a Wednesday do I miss and this is not because the teaching is perfect. God tells us it is not good for man to be alone well I agree that not one of us should. We are a relationship based creation and when we put that aspect into our lives we can see some of the holes. I realize more then ever how I need people. I know that. I know that more now because without fellowship it is just church and I don't do that well at all. I miss the relationships and the more simplistic. I am ready for a change. I want a change in scenery and in my heart as well. So, this Sunday I begin to go to Praxis once again. For that I pray and now I am excited. Excited to see God what You will do. I am ready for some leaps this year and I pray You would bless this one. There are so many reasons now for this move and I pray that it is a blessing and the right step. I wish I could say everything that I am thinking but at this moment I am already fading.

Wanting

It is officially Easter. There is down time which means uptime for my thoughts to travel. Sometimes it is nice moving along life at the speed of light because then there are few moments to look back and linger on the what if's that so often filter through. I would not want a different story then the one God has but sometimes I think there is something I want that He does not give me.

Every thing has it's problems even the ones you wait so long for. It is funny now because the things drowning through my heart and head are so different. There is so much of life yet to live and so much learning to do. I finally let go. I don't have a choice. I hated it. It does not feel right. It felt like a perfect fit to me but apparently it was one sided. The thing did not fit me back the way I felt it did. So, now what? No more holding back. No more waiting it out. I wish the feelings would subside but they don't.

Next chapter. There is much for me to do. I am making a move in a church. I am seeking my Father. I am afraid sometimes. I don't know what I am supposed to do with the guys in my life. You get closer everyday yet I do not understand it. I had already decided you were not a fit. I can't say I don't like you being around though. It helps to heal the hurt. The fit is different. I don't beg for it though right now I cling to it.

Then my mind wanders. God, I am working on just finding You more. What do You want of this? Did I speak so filipantly? Did I ask You to give me something that Your allowing because of my impatience? Is it wrong? Every day moves me a step closer but to what? Then I worry... I am not convinced of this being the best thing. I move closer anyways. I guess maybe it is just part of the letting go. I like risks. I am scared to go down a road and give up the things I have saved so long for someone. I am not ready to give any of that away. Maybe we will not go down that road. I don't know. I don't know what is in his mind. I know what others around us think. However...I am not convinced.

I see you learning me. I see you paying attention and making great leaps. Why? Or maybe God I should ask if my heart is supposed to be engaged in this. This is much more difficult. I don't know. I am just going to continue to wait and make the decisions as I have to. I waited so long for something else and all for naught.

There is so much beauty in You yet somedays I feel far from You. I know you not remotely as I should. I am taking the steps and will see what You have. May my belief be in Your plan even when I have to let go and even when I don't have a clue why. I do beg though that You would continue to give me wisdom in each step of the way. I don't want the worldly wisdom and the one that makes sense to them. I want You.

Thank You precious Father. Thank You for the turning point You have me at again. I do this for You Father because I love You. I love you most and I need You more. I am so far from Your glory....sometimes I am too far from You. May I not ignore You. May I not bask in the feelings of the moment but be wise in all I do.

Fairytale

Ruminants of mascara under my eyes creating a soft outline. Movies both watched and returned. Drive in the dark. Window down, music loud and first ponytail of the week other then the gym. Jeans that are a size too big. Stripped hoodie. Lots of ideas and thoughts circling my head. Tonight's feelings take over when I am trying to make my heart obey my head. Maybe it is just that week of the month where my emotions dominate more then usual. Or...maybe not. Mixture of sin. Changes.

Replaying conversations and memories in my head. Things I wanted and those I did not. Moments of embarrassment. Moments of fun. Moments of pain. Things I never wanted to let go of but did not and do not have a choice. Guys. Thinking there is no longer a reason to wait for anyone. Wonders why the compliments from guys at work mean nothing though sometimes it is nice to know someone cares. Hates when my thoughts wander and I begin to enjoy the attention. Wonders about my Opthamologist as he may be a Christian with some of the things he said. Wonders why he can tell me as a Dr. how beautiful my eyes are. Wonders why I can't just be best friends with a guy and marry or date one of them. Wonders why I act cold and standoffish with men.

Thinking about girl movies. They seem to be unhealthy. They seem to create very unreal expectations of love and stir up emotions that should not be yet. Maybe I need a girl movie sabbatical. More gym time sounds good. Why is it the only guy devoted to me seems to be the one I will not date? I can get text and phone calls and he is coming to San Diego to see me run the marathon. He...is my brother. Wonders why no matter how much I like a guy it never seems to work out. I feel like I need to give them less grace and wait less on them. If they don't want me...move on. My life goes way too fast and yet some things are so slow.

I keep thinking about all the unrealistic expectations I build up in my head for guys to live up to. I don't like the expectations they put on me but these girl songs and movies don't help one bit. I want a guy to.... the list goes on. How do I know? When I run, I want someone to love me enough to go after me. They don't. I feel like all girls want that. We want the hero and the guy who will fight for us and come after us when we leave. Maybe that only exists in movies. I don't know. I hate that I can be so wrong and completely not understand. I try.

I am told things should be easy. What does that mean? What if you find someone you love being with and who you have never found anyone else like? What if sometimes it is easy and other times it stinks? I am told if it does not happen fast or he does not chase me then move on. Told he should initiate everything. Told there is someone better...always....It is not easy to find someone you WANT to be your best friend. Some guys seem so perfect on paper. I don't like them. Other guys not so perfect on paper but...I don't care. I am not perfect on paper and I don't want to be. It is not paper I want. Tonight, I just want to give up on it all. I am tired of it.

It is so hard to feel like everything I am waiting for is worth it. I don't want to build it up in my head or sin but I do both. I want to know there is someone worth waiting for...however I cannot stand still and wait around for something that may never be. There are so many things I want to say. I don't want to do life alone but I am not sure I have a choice. Is just weak right now. Feeling a little sad right now but trying to trust God. It is going to be difficult in a relationship or out because either way there are trials and hardship.

I need to stop looking for a balance in a guy. I know I need Christ for that. If I think I need a guy to balance me...it will never be right. I don't know what I really want but I have ideas. I don't know what I should do. Life is not a fairytale. I asked a friend the other day about how guys think. I was more or less telling him what I did not understand. There is so little. It is crazy how different our minds work. The same situation from entirely different views. I don't understand. It hurts sometimes. It hurts even more when some guys can just walk out of your life and it appears like they never even cared about you at all. It really hurts when guys don't care enough to keep you in their life. When they don't put in any effort then it proves how little you mean...or that is what it feels like. Then you wonder why you didn't mean anything or why your not worth holding onto. Then you sit and have to just wait. Wait to get hurt again. Yet, you go into every relationship positively even though you expect your heart to get broken. Ha ha....blasted positive outlook on life.

I guess that is still a blessing. Yet I go so fast. I fall into everything so fast. I can fall out fast too if the other side lets me go. I hate girls emotions especially one week of the month... : ) I can laugh at myself as well though. I like the simple. I like the idealized. I like the beauty in life. I love the music I have on. I like that I think like a girl. I like guys and their testosterone. Wait...not sure how that sounds. There is something very attractive about guys.

I can't help but love hugs. I love the simple. I just really like being with someone. I love the smell of guy cologne or sometimes even the deodorant they wear. The way they act protective. I love gentle protectors. I think sometimes I continue to choose danger partially because I am waiting for someone to care. Sometimes that is just my personality too. Few people exist who I will really match well. It is really hard to find. That...keeps me so disinterested in men though I like the idea. Mostly. So...now I guess I just have to hang until I catch a guys eye. I think that is how the saying goes.

I really like being girly. It is difficult for me to want to be girly without having a guy I want to look nice for. I don't like unmerited attention. I want to look more perfect but... I like wearing makeup sometimes. I like the glitter and perfume and stiletto heals. The skirts and lip gloss and cute hair. But...I like guys who like me both ways. I don't want to ever be required to be anything other then natural. I love smells. I am so weird about scent that I won't share with other girls. I want a guy to remember only me when he smells that scent. I have specific shampoo and conditioner, sometimes a hair gloss, perfume, lotions. I need to get some sleep. I needed to get some of this off my mind. I needed to vent....to no one.

Waiting

Two nights of incredible encouragement, a day off to just be, and a new job position bring me into the first week of March. Today's activities will include spin class which I have already finished and followed with a vanilla latte from Cartel, a shopping trip to Walgreens, two Redbox movies, email checked, facebook updated, first load of laundry begun, breakfast made and now after being awake 5 hours I am onto the next chapter of accomplishments which include but are not limited to this blog, laundry, room deep cleaning, car deep cleaning and wash, shoe shopping?, bathroom toiletries organization?, watch 2012 as well as The Time Travelers Wife, create running schedule and Ipod running lists, cooking for week, and hopefully a nap and at least a five mile run. Now, you see why I had to begin the day at 4:15? And...I love it!

I was so encouraged by something we went through the other night at Seven:ten that I wanted to share it with myself. We are actually going through James right now and somehow we were reminded of a verse in Genesis. I love it when God meets you exactly where you are at and allows you to hear exactly what you need. This, was exactly that....Genesis 22:12 ....for now I know that you fear God.... The entire verse is actually "He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me." Now, there is lots of background into this situation of course and that is what makes it so true and detrimental to understand.

Abraham was Abram and his wife was Sarai who would become Sarah, and through them was promised a lineage of offspring as numerous as the stars. God, made a covenant and a promise with Abraham and initially Abraham believed. However, just like we all do at times Abraham and Sarah remembered Gods promise and believed it to be true...in a sense. They knew it, but they also took on the belief that it would only happen if they took things into their own hands. Ug. Welcome to my life. Patience, I have little even with God. It is funny because things on my time and my schedule do not have diving intelligence and plan behind them but have a temporary satisfaction to them. God however sees the entire puzzle not just bits and pieces here and there. So, the waiting is what is necessary for step one but that is not where it ends. That...is only the beginning.

Abraham and Sarah decided they would cause God's plan because obviously He must need their help. I also understand that mindset. How often do I think I need to be active in God's plan? Yes, the creator and sustainer of all things here and there and past and present and everything in between most certainly must need my help because how else will I get what I want? Yep...you got it...I am focused again on the I, and the want. Pair that with impatience and you have a big mess of a person. I don't see the bigger picture and in those moments I am focused on filling my own need with the things I think will fill it. So, Abraham and Sarah were the same and they decided that they were not having children so it was time to reproduce the line through the female servant. Sin comes into the picture here. God allows us to sin, allows us to deal with the consequences on the earthly level even though there is forgiveness. We can't change them or take them back. Nor, do we have any power or ability to thwart God's real plan. If we think we do...then we are given ourself the power again. Yes...I am absolutely and positively in this boat as well. When I think something is God's plan at times I will even sin in order to make it happen. Really? I would love to know how my mind can possibly ever justify sin especially to make God's plan happen. That is totally counter Biblical. Yet...I still do it. There are moments I will do everything I can to try and make something happen. I can convince, manipulate, push, run, and do everything in my power to make it work. Sin. Entirely and totally sin.

So, Sarah and Abraham take things into their own hands and they do in fact have a child or better stated Abraham has a child with Hagar. This child was offspring but not the promised line because he was not from Sarah and Abraham. This sin created issues that were not necessary and all because of a lack of trust, an attempt at control, and a disbelief. So, God waited until Sarah was already very old and beyond child birthing years and then He spoke to Abraham. He told Abraham that him and Sarah would have a child by that time next year. Once again, they were finally forced to learn patience, and to wait but now they had a difficult time believing this was possible. We limit our minds to what we could do or accomplish and put God's power in the same place and box as ours. Sarah in fact laughed and so when Isaac was born they gave him the name that means he laughed...what a reminder of God's power, love, promise and timing.

The story does not end there but I am getting to my point. All of this is such a perfect reminder of where God has me but even more the part that is to come. Abraham and Sarah finally have their son and the promise they have waited so long for God to fulfill. They do not know what He had in store but they know He finally gave what they had given up hope on. Then about the time Isaac was probably in his late teens or early twenties God tested Abraham. Genesis 22:2 He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." By this time in the story we see how much Abraham has grown and the expectation God has for us. Abraham and Sarah waited what I am sure seemed like eternity for their son Isaac and now God is asking Abraham to sacrifice him.

Abraham was obedient though I am sure his faith had grown immensily by this point in his life. He prepares to take Isaac with him and follow through with God's command. He has to completely trust God at this point because God told him the line would continue and be as numerous as the stars and Isaac is to fulfill that promise. You have to wonder how he thought God would accomplish this when he is asking him to make Isaac the sacrifice. We see his character by his obedience. Isaac follows along without knowing the plan. He I am sure was wondering what his father would be offering. Then, we see Genesis 22:7-8 And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together. Abraham is now teaching Isaac as well as you and me about God in a huge way here plus once again we see his absolute trust. It gets to the point of the sacrifice and he prepares Isaac. He is ready to follow through and right before he stabs and kills his son we see God intervene. Genesis 22:11-12 But the angel of the LORD called to him from heaven and said, "Abraham, Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 12He said, "Do not lay your hand on the boy or do anything to him, for now I know that you fear God, seeing you have not withheld your son, your only son, from me."

Now I know that you fear God. And what did that take? Knowing God's power, trusting His promise and giving Him the most treasured thing. It would be so difficult waiting on something so long and then be willing to give it over to God. I feel like that is exactly where I am at. That entire story. I don't know if God finally gave me that thing I so long for that I would be so willing to give it back. Perhaps that is what I am having to learn now even before He gives it. If I can't open handedly give something to God before He even gives it to me how ever will I do that once I actually have it? I cannot believe how much I needed this story and the reminder of everything in it. I am so encouraged and convicted and just very, very thankful that God has not allowed me to make too much of a mess of things when I try to take life into my own hands. I pray now I just wait patiently for Him to move. Exceedingly difficult but more worth it then it feels.

Beauty

This morning as the storms clouds blew swiftly by so did a smile upon my face. Arizonans...Beauty that takes my breath away. The rain began to pour down and I was reminded of our Creator. Who am I to complain? Who am I to think something He made is not a work of art? Yet still, I have my days and my moments. I am a fighter. I still have my weaknesses. Today, it is the weakness of awareness of my imperfection.

Strong I am in many ways and stubborn. A fighter comes out when I find something worth defending or something worth fighting for. Is it easy? Not always. Especially when I am fighting the majority. Personality is funny. Being a treasure in God's eyes and for His glory is exceedingly difficult at times. There is so much weakness there. Today's weaknesses lie in the outward as well as in control. It is so easy to loose control but difficult to give God control. Perhaps it is not control but self control. Being disciplined is a valuable trait and something worth the pursuit of. Sometimes I fail and I sin. This comes out in many ways and when it does I hate it. I hate the loss of control and the mistakes or sin. It is gross. Sin. And yet, obviously in those moments I love it more then I love You Father.

It is easy to fail. Especially when I rely on my strength. I am so weak. A weaker vessel not just by design but by my sex. Strength is attractive. Your strength Father. I am unsure if strength comes first without pain. Life is full of pain but through it comes change. I wish that I would rely completely on Your strength and not my own. It is weak. Strength in control. That is even more attractive. I think of men. They are more physically stronger by design. I like knowing they are stronger. I like even more when they maintain their strength gently. I do not like men who are fighters. I do like men who are protective. It is a fine line. There is something attractive about knowing a guy could overpower you, but knowing and trusting him not to. There is a lot of trust in relationships. Knowing he wants you, but refuses to loose control.

The world skews beauty. We buy into it. When I let my guard down I buy into it. Love. The world paints its version. Sex. The world paints it's picture. Beauty. The world defines it. Truth. The world kills it and makes it relative. God. The world ignores You. Worship. The world re-defines it and worships everyTHING. Money. The world lusts after it. This place changes how we feel and what we think about everything to the best of it's ability. Innocence is neither valued or attractive.

I let myself be bombarded by it all today. I fell into traps in my mind and in my heart. I am struggling to find the balance. Believers and unbelievers alike seek to be more worldly. We chase the same things, look the same way, trade one life after another for the truth. Today I fought so hard and did not win. I trusted myself. I found myself buying one lie after another but trying in my mind to fight them. I hate them. I hate when my mind buys the lies that conformity is necessary.

Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

I am trying. I need to pursue more of this and believe it. I need it's truth and to pray through it. My body is a temple. But today, I found all it's faults. I thought about having to be "perfect." This new job situation will not help this at all as finding the balance between professional and beauty is difficult. It is such a painful struggle to have to deal with. I battle back and forth inwardly. Is my beauty really found in wearing make-up? The world seems to think so and tell me so. My boss mentions it, guys tend to give me more attention, girls tend to flatter me, and when I have it on I "know" I am beautiful. What about the figure? I see the flaws in my body. The many, many things I would change. They now offer all kinds of surgery for just about anything I don't like. I can change my eyes, my chest size, be skinner, tighter skin, remove flaws. I see where I need to tone, where I need to tan (everywhere since I have ivory skin...and in ivory skin the flaws are easier to notice). The hair. Should it always be in perfect place and straightened and perfected? The outfit. Should it be fashionable at all times?

Being a girl has it's moments but sometimes it is so difficult. Especially when the world defines beauty for us. It is really difficult to ever feel beautiful with all the standards it holds us to. I hated today for that reason. Knowing I can change it all but deep down I don't want to. I fight that all the time. I don't understand. I don't know what guys expect. Do they expect the barbie? The polished outside at all times? Makeup everyday, perfect hair, perfect outfit, perfect figure? I wish I did not feel like that was an image they expected. Sometimes I do. Why is it so "unattractive" to like to be makeup free? Or, let my hair be curly? Or why is it terrible to be a jeans and flip flops girl?

God's word does not tell me I have to be beautiful as the world defines it. The picture the bible holds of women is so different. God does not require it so why does it feel like men do? I hate that. I hate feeling like everyone is supposed to be a cookie cutter. I wish I never bought into the lie. Sometimes I do. I feel like that is what I have to do even though I dislike that the world uses those things to define beauty. It does. Maybe we all do. It hurts but I know I am capable of trying to keep up. I don't want to though so it becomes a struggle. I don't want to gain confidence from looking "perfect" all the time. I don't want to have to keep up with the standard. And...tonight I hate it because tonight I struggle with it and all the insecurities it brings.

May I tonight just believe Your truth. Tonight is very difficult and I am super struggling through that. May Your words ring true in my heart. May I remember what I do, I do for Your name and Your glory and not my own. May I not buy any lies. Forgive me for when I do. When I let them run rampant and chase them. When I trade them for You. May I not loose sight of the cross for anything or anyone or any desire...

The Outsiders
by Needtobreathe

Shortfalls of little sins
Close calls and no one wins
Stand tall but running thin
I’m wearing thin

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering
If we stop sinking
Could we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned
We’ve finally come to terms,
We are the outsiders.
Oh, we are the outsiders, oh

I’m not leaving without a fight.
I got my holster around my side.
Just ‘cause I’m wrong it don’t make you right.
No you ain’t right.

Oh, why are we keeping score?
Cause if you’re not laughing,
Who is laughing now?
I’ve been wondering if we stop sinking,
Would we stand our ground?
And through everything we’ve learned,
We’ve finally come to terms.
We are the outsiders,
Oh we are the outsiders, x7

(On the outside,
You’re free to roam
On the outside
We found it home
On the outside
There’s more to see
On the outside
We choose to be)x2

Clean it up.

Dinner tonight at Pita Jungle. I am now sitting on the floor having a very difficult time seeing. Strange as it is my eyeballs have decided the last 4 months to have issues and it seems to be getting worse. They are getting extremely sensitive to light and are often blurry. I could chose to be angry and feel limited. I could get upset with God...I choose rather to thank You Father for the blessing of having perfect eyesight thus far. Thank You for allowing me to see the beauty and the world for what it is. You have the ability to take and I give and You give so much. However, tonight is not about eyesight. That is simply the distraction. Tonight is about purity.

I am so frustrated and so upset with a friend. I love him dearly as a brother but cannot tell you how frustrating guys can be. Especially, when they don't protect my sisters. I can't be his holy spirit. I can only love him and try and protect her and point them both to Christ. It is so difficult when I want to say so much out of anger. I am so upset that he did not protect her but tried to take what was not his to take. I hate that.

I was thinking about men. Real men. Men who love God. Who love us first. I remember a scene from a movie called "A Walk to Remember," where Landon, the main character and his new girlfriend are sitting on a bench. (at least I think it is a bench for that is not the part I focused on) The shoulder on her dress slides down off her shoulder and you see the way he protects her immediately by covering her back up with her sweater. Protective. Something about that kind of love captures my heart. I can't help but love that feeling. If a guy cannot see you as a sister first how will he ever love you? If you cannot protect each other and don't treat them as you would really treat a brother or sister then how can it ever be love. You then have lust. Why is there so much a hurried attitude of loosing one's innocence, of giving it away?

I can't stand most men. I don't trust them and as far as I am concerned they are not allowed near me or my precious sisters. A guy I trusted with her has proven himself to be untrustworthy. If a guy cannot be in control of himself then he does not love you first. He in that moment is more concerned with filling his own need and desire and is not thinking about you. In that moment there is no way he sees you as a treasure. If he cannot wait for you and protect you from himself how will you ever be able to trust him. You should be able to respect and trust a guy...it is then you are willing to give him your heart.

I don't understand the lack of brokenness over sexual sin. God tells us even thinking about someone in that way is a sin. We should be radical about it. Not even a hint...not letting it linger and fill our minds or linger too long on something visual. Don't do anything with someone you would not do in public. Keep it clean. Keep it pure. Keep it love. I understand there are struggles and mistakes. Those are slip ups and forgivable. There is a difference. There is forgiveness there...there is learning to be said for both parties. It breaks my heart when guys just take especially when the take so flippantly.

I guess I still have so much to learn about men. It is entirely my job to help protect my brothers and I learn continually how I can do my part in trying to maintain the innocence in the relationship. It is my job to do my best to protect them. That has been a difficult road for me and one I don't always understand. I am not always aware of what I am doing or what I have done that has caused someone else to go down that road. I am starting to get it...maybe a little more then before. I try so hard to be so careful. I do not want to be intentionally responsible for a brothers struggle.

I have always seen innocence differently. Sometimes I don't understand that the words I say, the things I do, the ways I act, the ways I flirt can potentially cause someone to struggle. I am learning. There is such a difference in how guys and girls view and feel and think about sex. I have to see them as brothers and will only respect the ones who can treat me as a sister. Keep it clean and be radical. Protect your ears, your eyes, your touch. Yes, I long for it but differently. Touch for girls is a connection. It means something so much more different. It is difficult to understand. If it is right, if it is love, the guy will have a connection too. And...more then anything he wants he will find the strength to do his best to protect her too. Will they stumble...it is possible. Is there forgiveness? Of course. Does he have to be perfect...of course not but it is in the moments of struggle you will see his heart and where his intention really is. Does he care for you or does he just want to take from you?

I now think I need to be even pickier then before. I need to be even more careful. I do show my love and affection with touch but do not necessarily mean it with any regards to sex. As a girl I talk about aching for touch but it is different...so very different. I can ache for the heat and the presence and touch of being close to a guy. It is not the ache necessarily for sex, but to feel protected to feel in general. It is different for us all. It is a head and heart thing which is where it starts and the more a guy is in my heart and head especially as a brother the more physically comfortable I am. And yes, we long for it...so differently. Sex may not even cross my mind in any of those instances because I do tend to think innocently. Am I perfect in that...? No, I am single and 28...and human... I tend to think purity is worth being radical for.

There are changes I see that I need to make. I am careful but am learning ways I have to be even more so. I want that. I want to be with someone who respects that. Of course I want to be with someone I want but if it can't be kept clean and innocent it will never really honor God or be for His glory...it will be for selfish reasons. And...I am unwilling to give that easily. I hate that. Hate how easily people take with little regards to how big purity is. It is worth all the wait, all the difficulty and the lack of being able to loose control. It is a great test. It is part of honoring God and keeping Your relationship pure and undefiled before Him. It is never loosing that innocence even when it is not cool. Be refined by God and not the world.

Exhausted

Ready for sleep. Now, would be fantastic moment for that. Is thinking about what I want. Thinking about taking risks and chances. That is life. You carefully calculate or jump in. Either way there is a risk. Some risks are worth it. Some hurt. They are still worth it...I think.

Today God continued to teach me something very valuable. I watched as two very dear friends began to fall in love. This has been about a month in the picture. It was so beautiful and fun. I guess love always is. So, what happens when it does not work? I am so tired and exausted and feel for both of them. I love them both dearly and pray for God's healing and encouragement. I also pray for their hearts and their learning.

I guess I learned something from it as well. Sometimes the things that seem too perfect and go so fast and easy are not. They can end just as easily. Maybe that is just another reason to take things slower. I don't know. Others it works out just that fast. There is no telling and no matter how much careful planning you do the outcome is still in God's timing and plan. I guess I needed to see that. I was in no way jelouse of them but wishing in some way I had something that easy. I guess it was not easy. I guess it works different for everyone.

Is it worth the risks and the hurt? Yes. Love always is. I hate the hurt part. It will always exist. But how great is it when you find someone to work it out with. Love is a blessing. It will be difficult sometimes as well. Purity is difficult. Being radical about Gods standard is the necessary. Guys see the situation sometimes so differently. It is nice to be protected. Especially when you can trust a guy. A guy you can be alone with. One who is radically about protecting your purity and his own.

I cannot believe how differently guys and girls approach purity and sex. We think so different. I cannot believe how much I have learned and how little I realize things sometimes. Being naive has it's benefits. I also have to learn to protect guys. I encourage other girls to protect guys. It is not easy. It is worth it. Are we perfect? Not so much. Thankfully God has protected me from pretty much all of that even when I did not want to protect myself. I have never felt safer then with a guy I can trust to put my purity above what he wants. They are few and far between but talk about something that wins my heart.

The confusion in the situations is sad to me. They have little history together to use to hold it together now. I pray for a peace for the two of them. Different pages entirely that seemed right for a month. Different views. Different issues. I guess no matter how perfect things seem or start off ultimatly we do not know the plans. I am very protective of her. I am very radical about pursuing purity and love that I get to be an example and speak into her life. God has used my life...even when I would not have done so myself. I am very protective of the ones I love and I love them both. They both have much to learn as do I.

Enough of the rattlings. My heart is full and I am growing through this with them. Praying deeply for them. Glad I have not had to experience something so "perfect" and so short lived. Glad for Your plan Father even though sometimes waiting can feel painful. I know it is worth it in the end. Your time. Pursuing You first...in everthing.

"In love with love."

Today I considered taking this blog off entirely and making it private. Not that I worry about it being widely read by any means however it seems to have more of a mixture of both what I think and what I feel. I wondered at how smart that would be. I though about many times in my life when I wish I had not said certain things...some of them throwing me into a panic mode. I wondered about all the stories I tell and all the ways I say things very straightforward and with a bluntness at times. I am learning I don't usually filter. Probably because I don't really care. Sometimes I care but only when I suddenly think that something I have said has the control to change my reality. I guess potentially it could. Potentially my mouth weather stated, thought or written can change everything. This is only true if it is part of God's plan.

There is something nice about resting in that. Does it make me bolder? Yes. Do I have to apologize more? Sometimes. I often wonder why it is so easy to say what I think. Sometimes I change what I think. Often I can tell you both sides of an argument in my head and be totally convinced of whatever the last words from my mouth were. I tend to give a lot of grace because I try so desperately to see things from another persons perspective. At many points in my life this becomes very interesting. In any given relationship I have spent long hours thinking about others perspectives. My analytic nature usually only comes up in this instance when there is a decision to be made or when there is a lack of harmony. I hate that. I hate dissension.

It is moments like these that scenarios run through my head moment by moment. I try to understand. Sometimes my mouth will speak. I will say things I don't mean because I am a verbal thinker. I have to work things out verbally out all times. Sometimes I can kill some of this by doing it on paper. I have at times to do anything to get it out of my mind.

I have been thinking that maybe some of the things I think I dislike about others are true about myself. I recently told my lifegroup leader that I did not want to date one of the two guys who asked me out based on the fact that they were "too into love, or in love with love." It is funny though because I can easily fall in love. Maybe I am in love with love...I remember reading something about the 7 with the 6 wing that stated "are always in a relationship or always looking for one." I have been lately looking up some of the Myers-Briggs stuff. Some of it rings very , very true. I am not sure I like that about myself...but it is true. There have been few moments in life there is not some guy on my mind. If not I can easily find one.

I think that is what makes right now so difficult. I rebound from one guy to the other leaving little behind me. It makes is so easy. It makes it so I don't have to commit to someone ever. At the same time I am the most attracted to the guys who seem very committed. Tell me how that works. Also, I don't know a time there has not been a "guy situation" in my life. Sometimes it has been all me. Sometimes it is them. I don't know. I know other things about my character that make me wonder about what I would even look like in a relationship. I am very afraid of being trapped and dealing with pain. Or at least that is the summary of the 7s greatest fear which is also very true. That is why I have spent the last 14 years rebounding as much as possible.

Rebounding has not put me any closer to the right answer or even the right person...I don't think. It is a really bad habit. Goes right along with me started 10 thousand things all at once and being able to change my mind a lot. I can make up my my in ten seconds but always keep my options open in case a better one comes along. That makes my day to day life extremely complicated as well. It is very difficult for me to RSVP to almost anything. I am always worried something better that I want to do more will come up. I don't like having to tie anything down and I value Independence. As much as I value doing my own thing...I also want someone who is willing to do it with me. This is just confusing. I don't want to do life alone but I am picky about it.

The most difficult part right now is just continually trying to fill that part of hurt with Christ. I know I can fill it with someone else again. What will that accomplish? I will have just shoved something else in that does not fit. My heart will get hurt and I will have never had to work through making Christ the answer. How healthy will it ever be if every time I get hurt I run to another guy? Not healthy for a long term relationship. I am so good at only liking one guy at a time but when they end it I run directly to another. Not a good situation. It heals the hurt for sure. But...one of the ways for me to grow is to have to deal with the hurt and face it because that is the thing I never do.

It hurts longer and hurts deeper. However, now is when I might actually learn something. I don't let many things hurt me but somehow my heart is very, very fragile and it breaks easily. I have yet to understand it. In so many ways I wonder if that is exactly why God has kept me out of relationships knowing He promises not to give me more then I can bear. On the love end I can bear very little. That is why I am so choosy with love. I size up every guy first and if they make it through that initial phase then I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the details of them. There have been only a handful of guys I have really truly trusted and only a couple I still do.

So, now I sit just daily having to try and pursue Christ. Everyone tells you when it is right you will know. I wonder how many of us have been wrong. I wonder if is more the feeling of love I have been in love with thus far. Real love is different. It is built of more. Real love is putting the other first. It is giving it to God with an open hand. Being a servant. Humble. Gentle. It is so many things. It is not just the romanticized version of what I so often feel it. It is feelings to though. I wish I could control those. No matter what my head says my heart leads it. When I make rules that is my head talking but my heart wins and breaks them every time. I feel like the heart is stupid and risky and forgiving. The head is stubborn and blunt and frustrated. There is a constant war between the two...my heart always wins. My heart also always hurts.

The walls go up. I cease to trust. I cease to trust love. I see what love can do and I feel the physical pain of it. I cannot dismiss it or the desire for it. There are actual effects on the heart that I cannot explain. Moments I feel. I don't get it. I know everything has a good and bad to it. I just wish it was always clear. The head wishes for the heart that it was always clear because my head would like to protect my heart. It looses.

No matter how injured I am I wish the heart would truly give up. It does not. It waits. I put up an outward coldness sometimes a harshness to try and protect it. I run sometimes fast and hard. Sometimes I run forever with no return. Other things I feel stupid for holding onto. I don't know why the thing wont let go. I can't let everything go I guess so rather I trust the outcome and hand them over to the One who is in control. He has a purpose. He has a use for me. He knows. He knows His timing and His plan.

It is things like these I sometimes wish I did not say or post. Sometimes I feel very safe here because I am being vulnerable to no one. When you find that person you can be totally you with. The person who sees your good and your bad and still wants you. The person who is your best friend. That, whatever that looks like is worth waiting on. In fact if friendship pairs with love it becomes priceless but only if paired with love and desire on both sides. So, when I type words on a page I can say what I want. There is no judgement from the paper. It will not talk back. It will not use my weakness against me. It will not love me either. It is not real. It will not become a best friend.

I guess I know deep down guys a best friends is never safe. I know I have my best guy friends and maybe one day one of them will end up as my best friend. I have yet to discover how you get around the feelings that get tied up in that. It makes me very cautious. I can't open up too much or a guy may fall in love with me. Sometimes I fall in love with him. I guess it will be right when God makes it clear on both sides. I guess that is not what everyone wants but above and beyond all the crazy lists I make I think that is what I have always wanted. I have always said that is what I wanted but have yet to find a safe way of keeping close guy friends. I have many, many acquaintances but few I would truly call my friends. I guess that is my way of protecting myself or at least trying to.

When it is right it will work. No matter what I do or say that is right. No matter all the things I will do and say that are totally and completely wrong. I am still working through it all. Being perceptive of relationships around me. Being extraordinarily careful with those in my life. Wanting more then anything to know a guy who will protect me even if that means from himself. I don't know what that looks like. I don't get to try and figure it out. I do however get to try and figure out God. Every day I have to work at that relationship. Everyday God will continue to teach and grow me though it is a slow and lifelong process. I will make tons of mistakes along the way. Each one shall leave its mark and in each one I will be tested.

Is it safe to blog whats on my mind? I guess that does not really matter. I am not going to loose friends over it. I could worry that I would loose a relationship if a guy ever saw. However, I disagree because if I am not me in front of him then he will not fall in love with me but the version of me I am trying to show him. I don't tend to live a very "safe" or careful life anyways. I tend to like taking chances. Besides, one of my favorite things is talking and of course finding someone who likes to talk and laugh with. I do it quit a bit and so these thought are not different then the ones I would speak. So, all in all I am just going to continue to try. I will try and be who God would want me to be. Somehow this crazy girl is exactly how I am supposed to be, exactly where I am supposed to be and completely wrapped up in His plans. That to me is entirely excited and makes life much more peaceful to experience. May I continue to trust what I don't see and what I do not understand. May my head knowlege help guide my heart. : )

Answered Prayers?

So, interesting evening. Flexible. I can do that. Well, most of the time anyway. Tonights big plans: running the hills and a long movie. Tonights actual events: spent only a few minutes running and the rest of the time looking for keys. Gods plan...still perfect.

What started off as a nice night for training became slightly more complicated. I am wondering at this point exactly what God's plan is but enjoying the humor in it slightly. Today, I was sitting at Liberty and reading through a list that is supposed to help me with my support letters for a mission trip this summer. I sat there at the table and realized that I have fallen so short in my own country. I used to be so much more zelouse in finding ways to share the gospel but as I sat there trying to think of names to send the letters to I was convicted.

I prayed for God to allow more unbelievers in my life. When I was trying to prepare a draft for the type of letter God would have me send and was struck that I would not have unbelievers to share it with. I have my team at work. Outside of that who am I pursuing that is not a believer? When did my life become so void and filled with only friends from various churches? Who am I going to bring light and life to if everyone I spend my time with already knows God? I have lost my time with the non church crowd and that is not OK. So, I prayed this afternoon that besides family who may not believe that God would allow me some activities where I get to be involved with people who do no yet know Him. I specifically prayed about running or dancing just because those are things I love to do anyway and would like to share my passion along with my minstry as the two should have no distinction.

With the afternoon complete I waited for night to fall because that is my favorite time to run. I have some serious work to do before my next marathon included some interval training and I have a favorite place to run hills at. I slipped my car key off the ring and put it in my iPod carrier. I placed my jacket over my purse and always run with my cellphone but this evening decided I was close enough to the car that I would not need to do so. I jumped out of the car and made sure all the new running gadgets were properly attatched and off I went. Next up...the hills. I ran up and down from one side to the other and was just getting a pattern down when for some strange reason it suddenly dawned on me: if my iPod was bouncing up and down on my arm as I ran I wonder what my key was doing. At that moment I knew I had a problem on my hands.

I am not great a beig very perceptive of my surroundings and knew this was going to be a problem. I am very internally focused and so at this point knew generalized areas I had been running across but it was very dark out. I approached a man who appeared to be grilling dinner for his wife and children. I was searching for a flashlight and no luck. However, the guy was nice enough to lend me his cellphone which had a very bright light on it. I combed the areas I thought I had run and found nothing but some candy wrappers, cans, and glass. Next step: call one of the four numbers I have memorized since cellphone is locked in car instead of attached to my hip (I am supprised I did not suffer from an anxiety attack from the sepparation :) I called my Father...that did not go so well. Next number was home and my grandfather came out to get me...more or less.

Upon arrival they passed me at the light and so I had to chase the car. The nice lady whose husbands phone I had borrowed called them to let them know I was running after the car because they were going much faster then I can run. They stopped and me and my grandfather combed most of the area in search of the missing key. No luck. He then tried to bribe God which I told Him was not how God worked. We had many brief conversations about this. At that moment I was glad we did not find the key because I did not want Him to think God was bribable. Then, they asked me what to do and I said just take me home while I think.

On the way home my grandmother recieved a text on her phone. While waiting and chatting with the nice couple I had met I had explained the situation. Especially because the guy was trusting me to go roam the part with a very expensive looking cellphone. I told the couple I was out running hills to try and prepare for a marathon and I had lost my key. They asked me about a very specific race. I had never tried it or heard of said race before but was glad to chat with them either way. Then, apparently when my grandparents were searching for me they had called the cellphone back. The couple now has three of my phone numbers. The text I recieved was an invite to run with their stepfathers team in a very specific event. I gave the couple my email address and already have something from them in my inbox.

I am excited at the possibility of this situation and know God has many purposes in what He does. I am uncertain but will believe this may be part of the plan. How fast does God answer prayers and in what ways? I am very excited to be a part of what God does and hopes this becomes an opportunity for me to share. I met a very nice couple and now am getting plugged it. So, each second of this day somehow is perfectly fitting to what God wants it to be. Do I understand it all...not so much but I trust it.

And about that key? I wonder what God Your doing with that. Am I supposed to learn something? Not supposed to run there? I did not find the key and Aaron came by and helped me search the grass. My dad showed up as well and with three of us still no luck. However, God has intricate details to each and every part of what He does so OK. Now, early in the morning I am to get up and get another copy made because thankfully He provided. Somehow in the midst of searching with numerous flashlights my grandfather showed up with a spare he found hidden in the house. I am more then ever grateful for this because I had some very valuable stuff locked in the car. I will not complain about the bill because it could have been quit a bit more plus I have to remember it is all God's money and posessions anyways...who can argue what He chooses to do with it? Now, if I could just make my family be nicer...and not a stress case for me. That, is a whole other issue and both just need prayer and thankfulness. Besides...they totally helped me out tonight I just...don't like conflict even though I will deal with it. Father...may my life bring You glory. I know You had tonight planned out and may I rest assured in that. I love You.

Now, I have something very specific to pray about!

Take Captive

Meeting for Spain, 8 a.m. Finished step one of the day with much time left. I am in front of this shiny computer screen once again. Today's meeting was most interesting to me because there was a large section of it based on personality tests. I love this stuff. I am continually fascinated by people and their personalities. I like to figure them out or continually try. I like to know how they work with my personality, good combinations, potential hardships, I can't help but be in love with personalities. So, needless to say today was great.

I have to be careful how much I put into personality tests for sure. I like to see combinations and how they work together. That led me down a road of curiousity as to what personality matched relationally well with mine. See where this is going yet? I researched that topic and arrived at theories on "perfect" pairings for my own personality. I am an ESFP. I had to take multiple tests in order to figure this situation out. In order for me to understand how I react and respond with others I have to be able to figure out what I am first. Step one cleared.

Next of course my mind out of curiosity was lead down a direction to see about dating possibilities. I am so picky with guys. I give few the time of day. I don't mind. It is almost impossible to get my attention when you want it but somehow every now and again something will and once it is there it is pretty much locked on. I also am aware of those people who have gained my interest and am usually amazing at rebounding when I have to. However, I still maintain my distance and am careful beyond measure. Though I like the idea of love I only really want one guy in my life. I have yet to have a boyfriend, though I have had many, many guy friends. You can see that God has had a hand in this situation, plus I am extremely careful with my attention and affection...a combination of the two has allowed me to be where I am at 28 years old.

Now, that does not mean I am not interested in finding the right guy by any means. So, of course I take into account what I have like about guys and what I have not. Some of it is clear and some of it is not. Either way, this lead me researching what a possibly match is for my type. One theory is the INTJ or INFJ.

http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP_rel.html

So, of course I begin researching these types. I then take a quiz on a facebook site. The first one I answered sounded very incorrect. I retook it. The second one would pair me with an INFJ. Funny because I was going to try and prove it wrong. It may be wrong I just think it is funny because somehow it says that is the two types I am most attracted to and in a strange way it might be correct. I was thinking through the types and learning about all the people in the group today. I guess in some way even though right now I refuse to go down any road in my mind with any guy I still mentally begin searching and scanning. I am having to fight that continually because I don't want to jump from one guy to the next. So, now I have to take my thoughts captive and focus on something else.

I am glad I cannot remember what any of the guys in the group are...and thankfully there is only one who is single. That is something I have had to struggle and fight with a ton in the last few months. It is so easy to go down roads in your head. It can be good thoughts, anger, pain, planning, it can be excitement. Either way for a thinker the best thing I can to right now is try and control my thinking...and that can be very difficult at times.

II Cor 10:5
We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,

Impossible, not a chance. Right now I am trying to replace the things I should not be thinking about with prayer. Prayer for friends, life, the person I am thinking about, the thought I just had and asking forgiveness for it and the list goes on. Your mind is a powerful thing especially connected to a heart. There is something to be said for mental stimulation and the controlling of what goes on up there. For me that had to be the beginning of where I am at with Christ. It starts with thinking but has to be moved forward with actions. I cannot deny I think through so many plans and possibilities and almost can always shift or have thought of something far in advance. There are things I feel stupid for thinking too far ahead in and then when it doesn't go my way I am sad. I can get very excited and wrapped up in my head when I think I know what God is doing. Sometimes there is great disappointment in that. There are things right now that pop in my head trying to convince me of something that is not a fact. I have to fight it. I have to fight what I do not know.

Focus. Focus on what I know. Don't let my mind wander into areas it should not, areas that will hurt me, areas that do not glorify God. I cannot let a distraction take control. We allow things to distract our minds. It is a lack of control. I am fending off every distraction that is possible for now. It has to be so delighting for Satan to know with thinkers all we have to do is lack spiritual control in our mind. I can go down a thousand roads I should not. I can also just keep thinking about everything but You. Sometimes all I have to do is keep my mind so busy I don't really spend time with You or in Your Word. I will not underestimate Father that You tell me to put on my armor every day. Father, help me to not excuse sin. Especially in the mind where anything can be an idol, a desire, a thought, a distraction. May I be completely and fully consumed by You.

Never leave Your hands

Beautiful Father. Precious day. I don't know what You have in store but I do know You fill life with so much. Tonights mood is just lovely. Girl movie finished...Twilight.... Tomorrow is a mission meeting. Sometimes I wonder who or why I am talking. Sometimes I am not. So many things running through my mind. I am sitting on the carpet listening to JJ Heller. Beautiful song.

Your Hands
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You when...

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

What a great reminder Father. Today was very calm. I have made it with ease through the application and phone interview. Spoken with the boss...and next week meeting with his boss. It is funny how easily I trust You. Wish I trusted You with my heart...to make it this calm, this easy. The outcome doesn't matter because You will do what glorifies You most. I hope I honor You in it. May I not ever forget You in every moment of life. The beautiful things may I see and hold fast to. May I trust You this easily with every detail. Not one ounce of stress but a growing excitement.

Thank You for everything. Forgive me for the sinful selfish flesh that resides in my heart. Continue to change me. May I be controlled in mind. Today I cannot believe how many selfish or judgemental thoughts came in. Ungly...We are so quick. I want to be quick to move to You. I know without You life would be so empty. I don't know what Your doing but I think I like it.

Tomorrow is meeting one for Spain and there is much for me to do yet. I don't actually have to be there until 8. I am weary and tired now because I am about to take a really big step. If it all works out I will be stepping into another commitment. How afraid of commitment I am. I wonder how many times I run from something before I trust it. Thank You for gently pushing me forward to it. If I don't get it I am not worried. You have already proven and already provided. I lost sleep over it thinking about what I was about to do. I can jump. When I have decided I jump very fast. Sometimes I jump out fast. I think I am ready for this not but it is entirely up to You.

I am so tired Lord but yet joyful. I know You ask of me my life and I am trying to give it to You. Thank You for the next couple days. Time for You. Movies. Yes, I still have stuff to clean I never got around to. Running. Somehow I have to get a schedule down and I am getting lazy but its time to plan it out tomorrow. The job stuff will happen on it's own. Father, may I get some quiet rest tonight. There is much to do in the morning and I want to be awake. Thank You so much, more then I am, more then I know.

Plans

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

This is one of the few verses I still have memorized from my years attending Valley Christian. I think about plans and am constantly making plans all the time. I remember last year telling Zack's mom very clearly days before the San Francisco trip that I was not really a plan maker. I was misinformed and had a very unclear picture of myself. I can't tell you how many plans I make, how many I see to the end and how many I change completely.

Today I was testing something out to see how much time had an effect on me. It all began at work yesterday when I was discussing my watch. I have worn the same green watch which at one time was more of a bright green but is now looking a bit darker in color for approximately 14 months. This is not just your ordinary watch however, for this watch is a heart rate monitor, keeps track of calories, has an alarm (when I can remember how to set it), Lights up at the touch of a button giving a soft blue glow, and just happens to be in one of my favorite colors to wear. Oh, and did I mention the small floral design embedded in the plastic near the digital face. Oh, how I love that watch and I wear it face to the inside of my wrist on my left had so at any moment in time I can flip my hand face up and I know where I am at in the day. Yes, to this watch I am slightly attached though still very thankful it has not left a tan line on the nearly ivory tone in my skin.

Well, this watch was brought up in conversation just yesterday amidst my co-workers at the bank. The people I work with already get great enjoyment from the amount of planning my head does while on autopilot so this little watch which adds greatly to my moment by moment planning became the conversation piece. They can't fathom how I can think and give each and every day mental thought from the moment I wake until I have finally given up and completely run out of time. In fact, just to humor themselves, they will ask very random questions just to see if I have thought about that detail yet of the day. Here is how a typical morning goes for me.

Wake up. Push glow button on my watch (unless of course I have been awakened by the alarm of my phone). OK, so wake up on my own and push magic button to check the time. If it is between midnight and 3 I usually do not budge. Oh, and this does not happen often. If I am awake at that point I try to quickly decipher why I am awake or what it is that has woken me out of my sleep. Yes....sometimes it is my bladder calling (just the nature of being well hydrated, cleaning out toxins, and having a small bladder). If it is the bladder then between those hours and up until 3:45 a.m. I will crawl out from under the blanket and down the stairs. If it is anytime after that I will lay there knowing with little movement I can most certainly hold it. Oh, and any moment will get my brain thinking which is the reason I will just lay in bed if the time allows until morning. The less bodily movement the better the chance I will lay back down and go to sleep until the alarm with nothing to trigger my brain.

If it is thinking that woke me then blast that and I will probably be awake for awhile because my brain refuses to take a night off. Now, lets pretend in this situation I was awakened by the alarm. (Though, other such wakups are caused by a text message, a phone call, sometimes I just jump out of bed ready for life...or sometimes I forgot to do something) But, lets pretend it is your typical wake up to the alarm morning just for the sake of discussion. So, the alarm begins to sing and I grab for sounding object which sits on the chest next to my bed. This song is a very well planned out song. I don't like rough wake ups and so any song that wakes me in the morning must be a gentle one. Also, it cannot be a sound unless a very soft chime or maybe something like a glitter sound or it will startle me awake, my heart will begin racing, I will get a headache, and I Will feel sick to my stomach. So, back to the ringing. If I am too tired I know at the second that alarm begins at what time I set it for the previous evening. The time I set it is always different. Once the sounds starts my head immediately begins the morning debate.

Get up now or hit snooze? What do I have to accomplish today? What do I have to accomplish this morning? Do I want breakfast or just coffee? Where do I want coffee from? What type of food do I want? When did I shower? How is my hair? What time do I have to be to work? Do I want to listen to music and get on the computer or sleep 20 more minutes? What is my night like and will I go to the gym? If I go do I know what I will wear to the gym? Do I know what I want to wear to work? Do I have food made for lunch? The list begins and this is all in the first set of sounds from the alarm which I happen to know sings the my favorite part of the song "Down" by Jay Sean three times before it auto snoozes for 10 minutes. Sometimes I snooze it on my own but only if I feel like moving. I know if I move I have to punch the password into my phone and then hit snooze or I can just think and wait out the 3 chorus repeats.

OK. In some period of time I make it out of bed. I usually make a few minutes on the computer so I can begin the wake up process, see what has happened while I was sleeping and do a very brief email check. Facebook stays up while I blast some happy morning songs and eventually make it to either the shower or the kitchen. Then a quick status update, a little dance and jump into the clothes, strategic pinning of the curly, messy mane, deodorant, and out the door running with keys, at least 3 water bottles, gym clothes?, jeans if I am going out after and flip flops, and I am on the way.

Next coffee and then to work. I get nervous as I hit up my favorite Starbucks and I see the line. The line is longer then I would like it to be and now with only 25 minutes to get to work do I run inside or temp fate in the drive thru. Now, be good and get hot soy latte, or should I get and iced regular latte, or my favorite a chai, or maybe a mocha? Do I want coffee that is decaf or a chai with a little caffeine? Do I really want sugar this early? Do I want it iced or hot? I am trying to be good and still need to loose about 6 pounds I have gained since December along with another 25 pounds or so, so this will have some effect on my drink decision. Oh, and what am I eating the rest of the day and where am I going? Do I want sugar later instead? Do I have too many calories already planned into my day? How tired am I? And...the most often used factor in this decision is what time do I think I will go to lunch because that will effect how many calories I want to ingest before then. 11 a.m, 12, or 1, or maybe later....big gap in time causes me to order something and quickly because I am aware time is slipping away quickly.

OK good now we are thru the coffee of choice and the line and headed to work. I have had minor panic moments of getting trapped in the drive through and not making it to work but today went pretty smooth. So, off I go. I check the clock become a little nervous about the time. I began to cruise smoothly to work hoping to make it there with enough time to read through my audit questions. If the audit team is there however I will not have enough time to study and I hope I know the questions well enough. Now, I circle the bank with just enough time as my anxiety begins to build. I like to be early for work and the two lights and school zones I drove through were especially slow this morning. I zip into a spot and jump out ready to begin my day. I walk in and find my work station which depends on what side of the bank they need me at. As I head toward the vault I am wondering if my boss will be in a pleasant mood or an ugly one. Wonder if we will be busy?

Now, we are ready to begin the day. The drawer is set up and I am logged on. I have checked my bank accounts, my 401K which I want to put more money in. Well, it is down a bit but if I put in more money now it will probably go up. I also know that I need to save a lot for retirement as well as a house and get out of debt. Then, I think about debt and budgeting, I wonder where I am at as far as my goals in the bank. And...the customers begin after the morning huddle. Now, after the first hour and numerous customers I begin poking about asking questions about who is taking what lunch. Am I hungry? Not yet but I want to know how fast to finish my drink of choice so I will be hungry at lunch. If it is a late then I will nurse my drink for a few hours and if it is early then I may finish it quicker or put the rest in the fridge.

Now, once lunchtime is decided I start thinking about daily calories. What I will eat the rest of the day is timed just perfectly by what I have eating, what I have had to drink, if I am going to run, where I am going that evening. (Well, as long as I stick to the plan...I always have a plan but I am super flexible and do really well with changes...in fact I love changes and sometimes force them along. ) Well, lets say this day I am going to run (because I need to start training again for half marathon 2 in June). So, I have my lunch planned and it looks like I get the eleven today. Great! Now, I know what I am eating, what time my snack is because I know what time I am going to run guestimatly and also how long it takes me to digest. I also happen to know what shoes I have on at work based on the fact that I will be running later that evening and I have also worn my sports bra...just for the fact I can.

Next order of business. Back to work and the regular thinking that pops in my head. Other plans filter in and out and I wonder about life, my marathon, my week and all the crazy plans there, the month, the day....now work is finally finished. I wanted to go to the gym after work but that is not a good idea. Plan change one. Off to the house to eat and to sit on the computer for a bit. Then I get a phone call from a friend. This is good and I try to figure out how long I can talk based on how long I have decided to run. Tonight is a short run but I still need to hit five miles. It has been a couple weeks and I need to stretch and sit in the steam room after. I also want time to read my bible and then talk on skype for a couple minutes if I am still awake.

Oh, and so back to time. I decided today to take the watch off to see what it would do. Well, I was anxious every time that I looked down where that watch was supposed to be. I wwas not sad that it was gone...or was I? My anxiety was not the attachment kind. It was the lack of knowing the time even though I was off work. I had lots of plans and had to be checking the clock all day to make sure I was making it on time. Oh, brother. I met with my mentor today who thought the whole thing very entertaining. She is a very loving, gentle, and chill person which is why I do so well with her. She is such a blessing to me and one of the personalities I get along with so well...she is a nice calm for me.


So, there are a bazillion other details that filter into my day. Plans, plans, plans and the crazy way the shift. I like shifting with them. I also like making plans and go from one planned moment to the other in life. What then do I do when something or someone comes in that is unplanned? Sometimes I don't know what to do but I usually do something. I welcome most changes but each one has to shift something around in my schedule. It is then you will see where my priorities are because I have so much planned that if I make time for you it is in no way because I feel obligated. I spend time with the ones I love. I love to make plans with people and sometimes the rest gets left behind. People get put in my schedule as a priority. I also need to make God the focus and lately that is where I am at.

I know it is God who has proven to me step by step how much He loves me and how His plans are perfect. I see it. I know it . At the time I don't always like it. In fact it is at this moment Father I need to ask for Your forgiveness. There was a plan that came from something unplanned. I wanted it so bad and thought I knew what was going to happen or at least the general direction. I did not pursue Your answer but followed what I felt. I pushed in my own way "knowing" and feeling it was Your plan. When it fell through I was angry with the situation, I was angry with You. I was frustrated and hurt and sad and unsure. I had not sought You in it but only what I wanted. I don't know what Your plans were in it. I have learned quit a bit from it. I am still learning. Growing day by day may Your grace cover me.

I am making plans even now. Tomorrow I have an interview. I am working on debt. I am working on my passion and love for You. I am wondering about life. Planning my vacations and marathons, my weekend, my tomorrow, my family. You give me strength and change me by Your Spirit. May my plans be flexible. I am in most areas but when I want something SO bad I can't see anything else that thing has then become and idol. When I want someone I have a difficult time trusting You with my heart and that You work those situations out as is best for me. Other plans it is easy to give to You. I wish there was not a difference. Somethings in life I am so carefree and I know You have it. The job. I know You will put me where You want me. Right now that is easy for me though I have waited 3 years to make the decision. Other decisions I make in ten seconds. I bought a car based on a thirty second conversation. When it comes to my heart it is much more difficult.

It is funny because as much as I love being with the opposite sex I am making zero plans at this point. I don't know what You have in store but I am extremely standoffish at the moment. I am watching two friends fall in love and think it is sweet but running from that whole idea. I don't know what You want. I don't feel like I can want. I need to want You most. Until I do that....I don't know. I am simply waiting for You to allow someone to get my attention. I am going to work on other plans because love is something that cannot be planned. It is funny how crazy life is and how many directions it has gone. I see your protection. I know it. I can tell how You have kept me safe and kept me for You and most of me for a guy as well. I don't regret not going down any road. I have done nothing with a guy. I don't want to either if it is the wrong one. You have saved it God even when that was not my intention. May I continue to save all my firsts. Give me Your strength Father. Allow me to continue to say "No," until it is the guy I finally get to belong to.

I was thinking back to when I first became a believer today. A song came on that I will post after this note. I remember at that time being obsessed with love and feeling very alone. I was sitting in a coffee shop at a church I had been to one time. A guy walked up to the mike and began playing a song on guitar. I fell in love with that song. He sang it and that night I met Nick. Blue eyes, black hair, guitar. Fortunately even though I ended up having a bit of a crush on the boy later nothing ever happened there. Thank You for that. I do remember that night how amazing the lyrics to the song were. I had grew up in church my entire life. I listened to plenty of hymns and music between church and a Christian school. That song spoke to me. I had never believed a guy that I thought was super hot could be singing a love song about a God I was not sure existed. That song, was a step and a beginning. It was at that point in my life You began to stir in my heart. I want that love with You....I really, really do. You have my heart, it belongs to You, don't share it until it is Your perfect plan because I don't want to.

In the Secret

In the secret
In the quiet place
In the stillness You are there
In the secret
In the quiet hour I wait only for You
Cause, I want to know You more

Chorus:
I want to know You
I want to hear Your voice
I want to know You more
I want to touch You
I want to see Your face
I want to know You more

I am reaching for the highest goal
That I might receive the prize
Pressing onward
Pushing every hindrance aside
Out of my way
Cause, I want to know You more.